“The house sits stale, it lets you roam
Inside it just don’t feel like home now…”
I am encouraged by what the Lord is doing in my family, but it doesn’t mean I’m content with it.
I’m hit in the face with the reality of the darkness of my family’s past and the brokenness of the direction of our future. Each time the Lord moves, I’m learning that there is not a quick answer- a proclamation of love and affection that ends with a big hug and everyone is happy. We love each other- more than anyone in the world. That’s the most difficult part- when the wounds are out of love, misdirected.
The light is that the Lord is finally blessing my relationships with some kind of honesty. Instead of hiding behind thinly veiled lies, we are beginning to tell at least half-truths. But as the light shines and reveals who we are, I’m seeing just how dark and broken everything really is.
Growing up, I heard that if we had any sin against the Lord He wouldn’t answer any of our prayer requests. In fact, mom has threatened us that if we don’t love her the way she wants us to (succumb to her control), God won’t answer our prayers. My child-like instinct is telling me to just be good- good enough that I can use my goodness as leverage to gain God’s power.
How wrong that is.
I wait, knowing that Grace will abound. I wait, knowing my family may still be in pieces for a very long time, that our brokenness will be left in the dark, that our reputation will still be perfect, that the church people will praise us. I wait, knowing my mother’s shame if she knew I have stood in front of 100 students to share of my dad’s abuse and our repaired relationship. I wait, seeing clearly the layers upon layers of narcissism, greed, anger, control and sin we will have to go through to even begin to consider our need for Christ as a family. But I wait, knowing that the Lord is good, that He conquers, that His will be done.
So I wait.
“The house sits stale, it lets you roam
Inside it just don’t feel like home now
I promise hope will pull you out
For that’s love is all about
Close your eyes this time
Cause trust is all we have tonight
But trust will be forever
Safe your dreams will be
Cause trust will be the light tonight
So close your eyes this time”
-Future of Forestry, Close Your Eyes
